Nothing To Hide

I have not published any stories in a very long time, WOAH! but I figured I should start again since I am thinking about doing a Youtube Channel. I still Don’t know what this is going to be about, maybe an update? I don’t know.

Man, God is so good!! I just have to let that out for you guys, even if you don’t believe in him, I just want everyone to know that God is good and even though I don’t understand the things he makes us go through, he never lets me  down. I am never disappointed.

The last couple months I have been praying for me to gain some confidence with my body and natural beauty. I don’t know how long its been since I have struggled with this problem. I think 8th grade and as years went by I put more and more. I fell in love with makeup eventually but I fell out of love with myself and my natural beauty and I have wrote about this before. I was a little harsh on myself. Well now on top of this I gained weight. FROM EVERYWHERE! Pants, shirts, undergarments. THEY’RE ALL TO SMALL!

I started a diet and to be honest I am not even like that big but I am not use to being this thick and it got me in a really bad place. I constantly put myself down. I am so thankful for my husand though, he makes me feel like I am on top of the world. He admires my weight gain actually, ahahahahah! If you don’t get that, then your to young to be reading this. LOL

Anyways, I prayed about it, I cried to God about this problem.

I slowly stopped wearing makeup. As in I just wore foundation and mascara, then I started only wearing my wing eyeliner and mascara, now I only wear mascara. I feel comfortable enough to only wear mascara, sometimes a little eyeshadow but nothing crazy, you have no idea how happy I am for accepting myself. For loving myself as who I am and how I look, I have worked my ass off to get where I’m at and to love myself for what I am. I even go to work without any makeup and my face has actually gotten better.

I do wear makeup still and I will continue to buy a lot of makeup, but my goal was accomplished. I love myself both ways and I am perfectly happy with going out without makeup but my hair does have to be done. LOL. I have struggled so much for nothing. One thing that gained my confidence is how people would compliment my skin and eyes. I loved that. It made me feel so much better.

I thank my Lord, my husband, my mom, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law; They are just so amazing! I cant even explain how amazing my whole family is. I love them to death.

My weight is an ongoing battle and I am doing something about it this time and I am so motivated to get back on to how I was but the healthy way. I’ll actually be eating and exercising. It is going to be an amazing journey documented on my channel hopefully, if I feel comfortable with that..

I just want to let anyone who is struggling with any of this that no one is perfect, you just have to love yourself and view yourself as your own perfect person. I know I am not perfect to others, but I am perfect in my eyes. I look perfectly fine without makeup, even if you think I don’t. I am not going to let someone who I don’t even know or who is a temporary person in my life get to me. God made me perfect. I love myself and that has helped me love my husband even more, it has made me a better wife and human being.

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I know I keep saying this, and maybe you don’t believe in god but that will not stop me from saying MY GOD IS SO GREAT! IT IS HE WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!

He is the one I go to! Throughout the last few years I have tried to love him with all my heart, and I have tried and tried to be a perfect christian and some people have unmotivated me to not be, they made me think that just cause I go to church doesn’t mean I need to change! AND in matter of fact, IT DOES! I will live by the bible whether people like it or not and because I have given myself to the lord, i forgive easily, I love easily, I am kinder, and I am not angry.

I need to get that out there cause no one will stop me from spreading the word of the bible or my love for him. No one will tell me how I should be, THE BIBLE will tell me how I should be. I am at peace with many things I wasn’t before because of him. I thank my husband and his family for that also, but most of all I thank my Pastor and church family. LIFE IS GOOD, THE LORD IS GOOD! AND WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL!

That is all,

Thank you for reading!

The Truth About Our Struggle To Be Happy

Writing my blog a little early since I work late tonight..Featured image

So a few people have asked me how I managed to get my family okay with getting married, or how they felt and I’ve had a few come to me and ask me if it’s worth it..

Well lets be honest, My marriage is far from perfect but it’s healthy and we work on it everyday.. Marriage isn’t just going to last by itself, we both have to put effort into making it last. EVERY MARRIAGE IS LIKE THAT.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.. I don’t regret it.. we can have huge arguments and disagreements but man do I love my man.. but even though we can have huge arguments, it doesn’t mean he loves me less and that something I had trouble with.. and that had to do with the fact that people always gave up on me, so i would always feel like when we would argue my husband loved me less.. it’s crazy right?

Marriage is beautiful but it can also be hard work.. We go through phases where there’s constant bickering but most of the time we can’t keep our hands off each other and we just can’t be apart.. lol.. I love being married and it wasworth the trouble. God is so good guys, let me tell you that.. SOOOO GOOD.Featured image

We got engaged on Valentines Day and we were only OFFICIALLY together for four months.. crazy huh?!.. but we’ve known each other longer, we use to be a “thing” right when I moved from his hometown.. but then long distance wasn’t working for us and he was still in school and some things were said and done that made us not want anything to do with each other.

So we went seperate ways for about six months I think? and when I moved to fresno I was seeing another guy but that guy didn’t make me feel the way I did when Josh would call me or when he would see me, i got butterflies in my tummy. I guess during that time I just wanted someone to lean on and wanted someone to keep me occupied and have fun with.

BUT then here comes Joshua six months later trying to talk to me through INSTAGRAM.. LMFAO! he asked for my number and I didn’t want to give it to him just because I was angry but he convinced me, i mean lets get real I still loved him.. so we talked for hours on the phone and I just realized how much I really love this guy, how he makes me happy even though I am still angry, how he makes me feel, and how he was just there as my friend and I truly felt like we never stopped being friends and all my worries went away for just a second.. so after that night I knew who I wanted..

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It was so wrong, but it felt so right. I’m over here dating this other guy and all i can think about is JOSH.. All I wanted to do was be with Josh.. So finally, I told the guy I was dating that I could date him anymore and I was sorry.. I still didn’t tell Josh what I did because I just wanted to be friends with him fist, although, he did tell me he wanted to have another chance but I was playing hard to get. I knew what I wanted.. lol…

SO weeks went by or I think it was when he took me to a college football game that I was going to tell him the truth.. and I did.. but like a day or two later.. and now here we are.. MARRIED! 😀 lol

Soo that was our story since many ask.. and then we got engaged and that’s when some of my family members flipped..

One brother was talking bad about Josh to other family that has never even met him and another one was threatning to come to his hometown to kick his ass and calling him all these mean and disrespectful names, he even tried to make me choose between him and Josh, and right there I realized that I was so DONE trying to make my family agree with my decisions, to get them to not hate me anymore, to try and do the right thing so they can start talking to me again. I WAS SO OVER trying to prove to them I have changed.. they rather me not be with the guy that makes me so happy and the one who is so gentle and sweet, someone that believes in god and someone that knows how to treat a women and just be alone and depressed..

I realized no matter what I do in my life they will never be happy with me, i graduated school early and didn’t hear anything from anyone, no congrats, nothing.. other then my brother and cousins I lived with at that time.. I started college lived in a apartment with my cousin, did good with school and my grades were fine and still.. nothing, they still had this view of me that I wasn’t anymore.. but whatevs.. i’m happy with myself and who I am now. (:

They think that they can give me what he can but they cant.. However, there was one brother that was supportive and he just wanted for me to be happy and go on with my life.. how simple is that, He just wanted me to be happy.. pretty simple..

I’m not happy with the things that the other two have done but did I hate them for it? no! cause they are my brothers, i love them.. even though they hate me, i love them and that’s the end of it.. it’s so simple.

Well then me and Josh moved in with each other and honeslty I wish I got married before we did that, i was uncomfortable and I felt unwanted and even though me and his parents would talk about it, and they said that they loved me and they are glad i’m part of their family.. i still felt uncomfortable.. I would cry to my husband because I was stressed and idk, it was a lot to go through..

His parents always told us we needed to get married if we are going to live with each other and I did feel pressured LIKE A LOT but I knew they were right, I felt pressured because of what my brother would say and I felt like he would stop talking to me too and I couldn’t handle that.. so we set a date in May but I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready, i was NOT.. i tried everything to not get married in May lol.. Cold feet..

so weeks went by and I stopped hearing that we need to get married and I stopped feeling pressure.. and idk I was like wooo, now I can finally think and see if I want to get married when i turn 18 cause I told my husband we would if it felt right.. and i felt ok? i was still unsure.. we started setting dates and telling friends when we would but it never happened I guess I still didn’t feel ready..

BUT then something happened, idk but I was like man I can’t wait to marry this man.. I Love him.. i adore this guy.. I want to be committed to him forever.. You know what, lets get married on my birthday.. WHY NOT!  it was the biggest YOLO of my life ahahah. jk.. I did put a lot of though into it and I was so serious that I told my brother and we told everyone we got the day off and it was done it was set.. I didn’t feel scared anymore, I didnt feel like something was missing..

I did hate that my brother didn’t go but I understood why and it was okay with me because I love him and he didn’t turn his back on me.. He still loves me and him and his family is what keeps my world together… without them.. nothing would make sense in my life the way it does now.. the only thing me and my husband need in our life and marriage is God, positivity, love, peace, and happiness.. and thats what my brothers family and Joshs family gives us..

I am so blessed.. we went through a lot of rough patches with my family and I only hope they see how wrong they were.. but I forgive every single one of them and I hope in the future my kids will be able to have more then one uncle on my side of the family and more then one grandpa all together..

so that’s our story and what we had to go through.. I left some peaces out.. but that’s pretty much all the big things.. I couldn’t have gone through this the way i did, if it wasn’t for my brother and my husbands family.. and most of all my LORD!

What the Fuck is Fuckable

Such an amazing story! I just had to re publish it 🙂

Heather Matarazzo

Seriously? What the fuck is fuckable?? I don’t know if I can answer that question for you, but I can share my own experience.

When I was 19 or so, I was standing in a Starbucks in West Hollywood with a director, talking about the upcoming film we were about to shoot. It had been a long road, but we had finally made it. Waiting for our coffee, I could see that he seemed a bit uneasy. I asked him if everything was ok. He said yes. I didn’t believe him, so I asked him again. He looked at me and said “Heather, I’m sorry, we have to give your role to another actor. The producers don’t want you.” I didn’t understand. I had been attached to this project for two years, and now two weeks before filming, I’m being let go. I asked him why. He looked me dead…

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Who Are You Trying To Impress?

Do you ever feel like someone is trying to compete with you? or like they are trying so hard to prove to everyone that they’re better?

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Okay, lets get honest here. I KNOW who is trying to compete with me and there’s a few.. but I don’t hate them for it. I feel honored to be honest, they feel the need to compete with me because they feel like I am doing better then them and well I probably am but I will never throw that in their face.

See, the thing with me and my husband is, we WORK for our stuff and we pray about it. We don’t have mommy and daddy buy us what we need. They have helped us before but not like where they buy us a new car or get us whatever we need. NO! Everything we have is either someone else’s leftovers or we buy it ourselves. I have no problem having someone else’s leftovers, like I’ll do what I can to fix it up or just look on pinterest lol.

People think sh*t gets handed to us, NO! If you haven’t bought your own car and you don’t have more then 2 bills YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT responsibilities and priorities are. You think spoiling your spouse is a priority!? HA! grow up a little and than you will know what priorities are.

Josh and I use to spoil each other so much when we first started dating but than bills came and the things we wanted weren’t materialistic anymore or name branded we just wanted to be together and not spend money anymore, it got boring and it wasn’t smart to buy all this name brand things just because. Sometimes he will buy me name branded stuff but it’s like whatever to me.

Some people have to have name branded stuff to be happy and impress other people that they don’t even like and to me that is so SAD! like why are you doing that to yourself? grow up, get you priorities right and if you don’t have to spend money than don’t. That’s just my opinion.

My mind isn’t on high price things and I don’t only shop at Michael Kors and Charming charlies and Banan Republic or H&M.. even though H&M isn’t expensive, like those aren’t my stores I will be wherever the sale is at. Don’t gloat about where you spend your money it only shows how insecure you are. BE HUMBLE! My husband loves to spend money and he loves buying high quality stuff so maybe he should be reading this but me i’m fine with Marshalls and Ross. Like thats fine and enough for me. If I really want to be fancy then i’ll go to the mall and shop around there but that’s not what’s important to me. Like i rather go shopping for my apartment or husband than for myself. When you grow up things change and so do your priorities. I know like 23-25 year old that do nothing but spend money on themselves and gloat about it. BUT for me I don’t tell them what i’m really thinking I just pray for them honestly.. so god can help them learn to be humble and get smart.

I’m not the person to judge someone and hate them for being shallow and what not. I can still get a long with them and talk to them, it’s not being fake. It’s being a grown up. I don’t let petty stuff like that get to me. Spend your money and gloat about it all you want, at the end of the day your competing with yourself.

Let me tell you a story, so me and my husband been in the process of getting an apartment for like a month and a half and then we finally got it, well this person all of a sudden started saying that I just do things to feel better about myself and that I got the apartment just so I can say that I am better than everyone else. WHICH is so ANNOYING. AND GET THIS! All I had mentioned was that I was so happy we got our apartment and I thank the lord for all the blessings he has given me and my husband. And somehow this person felt like I was targeting him/her. It was amusing to me actually. To me that shows insecurity and jealousy and well now I know that persons true colors and at the end of the day that’s all that matters. I dont hate them for it and I’m not gonna be immature and stop talking to them, I just have to pray and remember not to share information with them about certain things.

My point is don’t do things to impress other, if you just love spending your money like it’s nothing just because than fine go head no one is stopping you but if you do it to impress others, grow up a little. Trust me saving is better than spending 🙂

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okay so now let me explain why I haven’t been writing everyday, I been working a lot and I feel like I should only write when I feel the inspiration to write. I been wanting to for the last couple days but then something will come up and I forget and I’m so sorry that it feels like I have given up on this cause I haven’t and I thank every single one of you for reading!

share, like, or comment. I won’t be able to know who comment unless you give me your name so, you can do it anonymously.

xoxoxo, thank for reading!

LOVE or DREAMS?

Love. Isn’t it beautiful? hmm.. What is Love? Is it more important than your dreams?

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Love is something that no one can explain. However, to me Love is something special and when it’s real you can truly feel it in your heart. When you look at the one you love you can emotionally, physically, mentally just feel the love you have for him/her. When I look at my husband I get so lost or when he’s just being funny I can’t help but laugh at the things he does or says even if they’re not funny to anyone else.

You might have heard this quote before, “Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.” -A Walk To Remember (Nicholas Sparks)

That quote makes complete sense to me because it’s true. You can truly feel the love you have for your partner. You get so lost when your with them and you can’t do nothing but think about the future and what it has in store, you love talking to them whenever you get a chance, and most of all you will go to the moon and back just to show them that you love them just about that much. Love can’t be measured obviously,  and it cannot be explained. It’s something that no one can really fully explain how it SHOULD  be cause everyone loves differently.

Some people love by not being affectionate, and that’s okay but just for a little while. To me if you don’t show passion or be affectionate I just feel like the other person in the relationship will eventually find it somewhere else. However, some relationships are just better that way or they just work out, who knows. All I know is that I am like over the top corny and passionate and I truly feel like I have a big soft heart.

I constantly let my husband know that he’s so handsome and he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and he loves it.. He may not show it, but I know he loves it 😉 ahah He purposely does things in front of me so I can tell him how sexy or how funny he is and I personally think it’s so cute when he does.. I’m telling ya we are so CORNY like we’re the couple that will match clothes when we got to Disneyland or something ahaha. YEAH I KNOW HOW DISGUSTING! hah NOT! that’s just how we are and we love it:)

Anyways, I just want to let you guys know that being in love is okay, wanting to get married is okay(under the right circumstances) , I feel like older people now a days look down on marriage and make us young ones feel like it’s horrible. It really isn’t! If you love your partner and he loves you back and not because your pregnant or because you have his baby.. YOU REALLY FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART that you both love each other don’t let ANYTHING OR ANYONE put you down in both of your futures. It’s so simple and everyone makes it so complicated. LOVE IS LOVE.

Finish school or whatever you need to finish and see if both of you feel the same way you did when you started out together. Nothing will break you apart if you both are deeply in love. It’s something special that you will only feel once. I use to think I loved this other guy I dated and when I met my husband or when we started getting serious I should say, I felt like all these happy emotions mixed with all these other emotions and it felt so good like tell this day I feel them and with this other guy I did not feel that way AT ALL. It’s just so amazing when you find your true love, it really is.

Sometimes it takes longer than others to find the right one but the trick is to not search, it’s to just do what your doing and see who comes in and out. You’ll eventually learn who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I feel like girls want to settle down so young, like they spend all their teen years trying to find the perfect guy and it’s really impossible. Like focus in school and follow your dreams! STOP thinking that you have to be like everyone else. Your yourself and you can do so much by yourself, go see the world, meet new people with different cultures and just have fun. Stop feeling obligated to find your perfect man and have this perfect future.

Yes, I know I got married young but it was my CHOICE I didn’t feel obligated to get with Josh, it wasn’t my DREAM to be married.. things just happened it just felt right and with him I am still going to school and still trying to follow my dreams. Yes it’s harder I’ll tell you that but to me it’ll all be worth it. I’m still trying to find myself and what I want to be for the rest of my life but i’m going through it with my husband and it’s just special to me like I wouldn’t be able to share this with my dad or mom or brothers or cousins they’re all doing their own thing living their own lives.. but my husband is here, he is the one I am sharing these little memories of stress and confusion with and that’s all that really matters to me.

YOU! Follow your dreams and if you found the perfect one or your already married then share it with them don’t feel like you have to change your dreams cause your married or because you have someone that has different ones! You negotiate and communicate about it.. anything is possible you just have to grow some balls and go for what you want no matter how long it takes! LOVE will always be there.

So this is already like 1000 words and I just wanted to share my views on love and dreams.. I just feel like now a days people give up on their dreams so darn quick because of how hard it is or because they have a boyfriend and it’s holding them back.. NO! Your making him hold you back, you are allowing him to do that! so it’s not him, it’s you.

I’m happy to be back and there will be another post up tomorrow ! see y’all tomorrow! GOODNIGHT! I post blogs only through Mon-Fri and if i’m busy friday then obviously I won’t post but i’ll let you know. 😉Featured image

-xoxoxo, thanks for reading!

Makeup Is Natural

Do you ever feel ugly? Do you hate what you see in the mirror? why? Do you wear makeup to feel better?

I am going to be complete honest with you guys right now and you may think i’m crazy or you may be shocked.

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I ABSOLUTELY HATE what I see in the mirror. My self confidence is LOW. Yes, I know. CRAZY because everyone has to LOVE themselves. Yes, I get that but here’s the tricky part, I LOVE WHO I AM just not my looks.

My husband constantly reminds me that I am so beautiful and there’s no one else that can compare to me and blah blah blah and I appreciate it but it pisses me off honestly, I know I know i’m such a B*tch!

Anyways….. I hate my acne, my dark spots, my bags, my eyebrows, my eyes, my lips, my weight. If you see me often it can feel like there’s nothing wrong but behind closed door YOU DON’T KNOW. I constantly put myself down, you have no idea. It’s not because I wish I looked like a barbie, because I don’t want to look like one but it’s because I know I looked way better when I was younger. My face looked so new and it was always glowing, I didn’t have marks on my face, My bags weren’t as dark as they are now, and I didn’t have acne. I have this ugly ass scar on my eyebrow cause i got stitches when I was like 5 years old so my eyebrows will never be even and it pisses me off sometimes.. So now you know, I don’t see myself as this pretty women and all that, now lets move on to my POINT on why i’m sharing my personal issues. After all it is MY blog and well if you read my last two posts you know the rest..

I LOVE MAKEUP. Anyone who knows me knows that I love makeup, I can spend hours watching Jaclyn Hill on youtube and I can spend hours in Ulta if I wanted to but here’s the thing, I DON’T do my makeup to impress other girls on my skills, the only person i try to impress is my husband.

I wear makeup cause it makes me feel pretty, it gives me back my confidence. I feel like when I wear makeup it gives me that nice fresh face. My husband hates when I wear makeup and we’re staying in, but he doesn’t know how low my confidence is and when he reads this he’s probably gonna baby me and spoil me with goodies 😉 bahahahha. I’m so evil >;) Well anyways, for those of you who say i’m not shit without makeup or I bet that i’m ugly without it.. well your right.. and i’m not gonna be mad about it because it’s true.. like thanks for reminding me though:) Featured image

Point is, for me it’s not okay to have low confidence because well I know I will never be happy with seeing myself in the mirror and I may be the only one with this problem but if you have the same problem, just know that your not alone.. I get it, I know how it is to look in the mirror and just feel disappointment.

Anyways, I want ya’ll to know it’s okay to have all this makeup on your face, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BEAUTIFUL THAN WHO CARES what people have to say. This is the way I see it;

I DON’T WEAR MAKEUP TO IMPRESS ANYONE BUT MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF, MAKEUP IS WHAT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY. IT BRINGS UP MY SELF CONFIDENCE WAY UP, I WEAR IT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT’S NATURAL TO ME!

I don’t want you to feel like i’m feeling sorry for myself cause i’m not. It’s just something I need to work on myself.. I KNOW I KNOW, I HAVE ISSUES. but WHO DOESN’T! we all have our own issues and flaws. This is just one of mine..

Well, that’s all for now.. i’m beyond exhausted from work and when I logged in, this topic was the first thing that popped into my head so I just started typing as always.. NON STOP. I have more to stay but i’m just sooooo tiredddddd. I may come back to this topic later in the future.. I appreciate everyone who reads my blogs.. 🙂Featured image

-xoxoxo, thanks for reading!